Monday, August 17, 2015

Cowardice

Why does class have to end with stuff I'm bad at?   Class one level up was great on Saturday until the end, when we did petit allegro and grand allegro jumps.  The teacher was like, we've been doing this for a few weeks so let's go faster and add more!  So it went even more dismally than usual.  Honestly, it was pretty discouraging to end on that note.

I'm off this week, so I decided to jump back on the horse and take class one level up this morning with my same teacher (I would have taken my regular level but there's no daytime class during the summer.)  I was nervous from the moment I looked around the room.  It seems the daytime ballet crowd is different from the after work and weekend crowd.  There was all this warmup rompers-sweater tights over leotards-leggy ballet perfection!

And appearances were not deceiving.  Teacher taught to the level of the students there, and I felt in over my head.   I couldn't focus, and my technique felt sloppy.  Although some things went better for me, I just kept seeing all the things I was doing wrong and how much better everyone else was.

So I did a cowardly thing and did not stay for center.

I've only done this once, when I was injured.  To be fair I do have 6 hours of Other Movement rehearsal coming up, and lots of other reasonable reasons...but the truth is, I couldn't stand the thought of doing things in groups while being watched.  And it wasn't even that I didn't want them to see me being bad.  I didn't want them to think that I thought I belonged there, that I was delusional....

I'm going to cry a little and console myself with pie now.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, I feel you. That is bad way to end a class, feeling discouraged. So I totally understand why you left before center, and I probably would have done the same. So chin up, it is a new day! (If all else fails, have some more pie :) )

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    1. Thanks! I actually wound up taking my regular class at night. I was able to do really focused clean work and it felt a lot better. Also...I did eat a lot of pie, which helped immensely!

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